you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
