At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
