I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
