I am in a vortex of obligation.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
