I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
