You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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