Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
