Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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