i need an iv and a liver transplant
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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