Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
They took my balls.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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