When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
