youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
