I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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