i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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