you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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