You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
