considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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