You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
