i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
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his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
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Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I would ride that face into the sunset
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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