so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
worst night to have a conscience
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
