I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
