if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
