Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
