before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
