I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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