Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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