y did u give ur computer a hand job?
well you can't waste a boner
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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