he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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