woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Holy shit dude........stairs
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
