I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
