You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
