I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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