you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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