He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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