I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
