Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
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i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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