Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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