My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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