Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
