I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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