Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
