i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
