so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
