Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
