I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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