i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
