you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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