all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
