he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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