i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
