everyone is single if you try hard enough
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize