I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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