I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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