I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
