someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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