If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
