i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it's like iHOP with fire
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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