he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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