I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
