The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
