had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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