I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
